Wednesday, June 21, 2006

We're all susceptible.

I'm sitting down here
In the waiting room
And I'm waiting to hear
The very bad news

My grandmother called earlier tonight. I wondered what it was, why she was calling right then and why it was a strange number. And why there was that catch in her voice.

And it seems like years
That I've had this fear
And sometimes a sigh
Just isn't long enough

And then I found out. The results of her MRI. It was supposed to be nothing.
Brain cancer.
Three lobes.

And the fact that it's inevitable
Doesn't really make it bearable
And the pain in my soul
Won't go away

She's my last grandparent. I wanted her to see me get married to this man I love, to see me graduate and start working, to see that there are so many good things in the world and have hope for the future. To see that she made a huge difference. All these selfish things.

And we're all susceptible
To the unthinkable
As long as we're
Living down here

Right now I hate cancer. I hate it. I hate that things haven't gone so well for her in the past few years. I hate that I didn't call her back sometimes. I hate that I didn't spend enough time with her sometimes.

One day soon
We will see His face
And these pain and tears
They will be replaced

But until that day
It has to be this way
And sometimes a sigh
Just isn't long enough

I don't know how much time. I don't know what to do.

And the fact that it's inevitable
Just barely makes it bearable
And the pain in my soul
Won't go away

And we're all susceptible
To the incredible
As long as we're
Living down here

"Sometimes a Sigh" - Gary Aronhalt




Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Drugs or me.

Stay with me
You're the one I need
You make the hardest things
Seem easy

Keep my heart
Somewhere drugs don't go
Where the sunshine slows
Always keep me close

If only you could see
The stranger the next to me
You promise, you promise
That you're done
But I can't tell you from the drugs

Don't let go
We'll dig a great big hole
Down an endless hole
We'll both go

You're so blind
You can't save me this time
Hope comes from inside
And I feel so low tonight

If only you could see
The stranger next to me
You promise, you promise
That you're done
But I can't tell you from the drugs


I wish that you could see
This face in front of me
You're sorry, you swear it
You're done
But I can't tell you from the drugs

(Take me)
I need your hand
(So far away)
To pull me up
(Take me)

Keep my heart
Somewhere drugs don't go
Where the sunshine slows
Always keep me close

- Jimmy Eat World -


Monday, June 05, 2006

Heart's in overdrive.

Ah, summertime. I suppose I don't update as much in the summer because I am for once not tied to my office chair staring at the computer screen doing research or writing or whatever for hours on end - that's when I'd always take a break to update before. Now I'm free and loving it and giving my eyes a break from the computer glare.

Oh that's me and some of the amigas at Amanda's graduation. She's coming to live and work as a teacher in Topeka! Woot.

So I'm working now at the local community mental heath center, taking care of some little kids who need all the love they can get. Of course love includes providing a consistent, orderly environment so I spend the day repeating everything I say at least twice and using the "By the count of three, you better..." technique. But I must say it's a really sweet gig. I wear comfy clothes, eat breakfast and lunch with the kiddos, and find that I get paid more than I've ever been paid before to do things I love to do. I play in the sandbox, push kids on the swings, color, play with legos, sing, and dance on a daily basis.

Otherwise it's pretty chill for me. I made a quick trip to Wichita this past weekend (sorry no hellos my Wichita friends - I had pretty much zero time) for a wedding dress fitting. I absolutely LOVE my gown now that the alterations on top are finished (no details here in the very slim chance that Jonathan's reading). It turns out I'm pretty short too. Who knew? So she was hoping that she wouldn't have to mess with the crinoline and slip and such because they were already shorter than the gown, but alas I'm so short that those will have to be taken up too. And that's with me in three inch heels! How tall are these wedding dress models anyway? Geez. I felt pretty trying it on again and every time I do I get all excited for the wedding. It's only a year and a half now! Still seems like a really long time to me. But because I can and I have no annoying papers or busy work for school eating my life, I've had plenty of time to daydream and wedding/honeymoon plan lately. I mostly try to figure out logistical stuff, like how we should travel to Estes Park (that's where I want to go for the honeymoon) and when we should open presents and such. Yay!

Oh and now I'm going to go look at some Vermont tourist stuff. Jonathan and I have decided that we'll probably move to Vermont sometime after I graduate. We want to just get out of Kansas for a while - a couple of years or so - because we're young and we can and hey why not. Vermont is a little bit random, but of the eight states where master's level psychologists have ample freedom to practice, it was the most appealing option. I'm excited. Yay Vermont.

One more thing - on Sunday I was laying out by the pool and I kinda sorda fell asleep and now I have one of those dreaded sunglasses tans. Well it's more like a burn; my whole face is lobster-red except for the bright pasty white area where my sunglasses were. Attractive. Everyone keeps looking at me funny. I've spent the evening rubbing raw tomato all over my face periodically on the advice of a girl at work... not sure if it's working or if she just wanted to see if I'd actually do it because I have wondered about the red pigment actually making it worse and I certainly smell like a tomato now. But it feels nice. Okay the end.